a wednesday.

i am forever reaching. being here now.. even accepting this whole thing as a journey, rather than a means to an end.. i nonetheless find myself grasping for a greater consciousness. even when i am up to my ears in my own bullshit, judgments, & apathy.. even when i can't see the forest for the trees, i am building my awareness. i am cultivating my energy even when i am wasting it, because there is no waste. there is only grist for the mill.
when i lose sight of my guru & succumb to my thoughts.. these are the moments that can perhaps build us up the most. this is not a race, "we're all just walking each other home," as ram dass puts it. this isn't a competition; i don't want to beat you. i want to enjoy the scenery, hold hands, & do mantra together.
the reason that i reach, though, is because stretching is good karma for the muscles of the soul. when i cease pushing or testing my limits, i begin to atrophy.

so i listen for soul-speak in the morning when my four year old son chatters the entire way to school. i listen when he's happy & i listen when he's cranky. when i see myself growing more impatient & agitated, i see where I have work to do, not where HE has work to do. i listen for soul-speak when i cross paths with strangers. i listen to their smiles & i listen to their sad eyes. what they have to say is so important, if you have the ears to hear & the wisdom to slowwww dowwwn sometimes. i listen for soul-speak inside my own head when i sit apart from my thoughts & watch them flow to understand the origins.

this morning i feel a little sad. a little irritated & a little lonesome. a little too connected to my Ego, & the losses it must experience. but i'll feel my way through this & continue to honor myself, no matter how difficult it can be when i feel as though i am faking it to make it. i accept my humanness & will love myself no matter how ugly i feel on the inside or the outside. i will reach and reach until i am stretched to my limits & then i will reach some more. namaste.