cigarettes.

this lovely little lady is my GG. she's called GG because she is far too fabulous to simply be "Granny." My childhood memories of her are always peppered with high heels, leopard print, gobs of makeup, & packs upon packs of cigarettes. as a kid, when i went to sleepover at her house, i don't even remember thinking a thing about the cigarettes burning in her ashtrays scattered throughout the house. i remember her grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream sundaes, trying on an assortment of her eye shadows and face creams, & talking about astrology.

she is so sassy. & she loves red lobster cheddar biscuits. she once even invited me to conspire with her to steal a margarita glass. she has always made me laugh & even before she found Jesus, she has loved me with an unconditional love reminiscent of a devout believer.

my GG is getting older. witnessing the process humbles me as much as experiencing it is humbling her-- & i am so incredibly grateful to be able to share the time we do. she may give it to me three or four times these days, but she still gifts her sage wisdom & funny anecdotes each time i see her.

the mind is a mystery. a couple of months ago, she looked at me with confusion & frustration, begging me to tell her what was happening with her head. "i'm so fuzzy!" she confessed, "and i just can't seem to keep things in my brain. WHY is this happening?" we both sighed & i squeezed her tightly, reminding her that her life has been so full & so busy that her synapses are just getting tired of firing all the time.... lots of pathways worn in that beautiful cerebral matrix & her neurons are having some trouble keeping up. i imagine living as much life as this woman has would make anybody's head spin. still, there is no sadness in either of us; there's only the desire to understand & share our experiences.

when we are together, we giggle a lot. i'm her "special girl," & she's mine. she writes the best love notes on cards for the holidays, even now. i can tell she always wants to make sure i know how loved i am, & honestly, i do. we share secrets & pinky promises. she is such a wonderful mirror. in her, i see not only so many of my own physical features but also the imprint her nature & nurture have left on my personality.

today, i went to visit her. i rang the bell & knocked loudly but eventually was resigned to getting out my spare key ring & letting myself in. typically, you'd never find her flat on her back in bed, but her knees have been hurting a lot lately. every single time i walk in the room, she exclaims about how beautiful i am, can i get her a bottle of whatever foundation i'm wearing, she loves my shoes, my eye makeup is wonderful on me, & WHERE IS MY LITTLE BOY? today was no different. she grinned so big i thought it would burst my heart.

i had brought her a gift. i suppose someone in the family (or maybe the nurses who come check on her every week) decided that puzzles would be good for her mind. well, it only seemed fitting that i buy her this fantastic zodiac puzzle i had found. i was already late to the baby shower i was en route to, but i stayed an extra 45 minutes to make sure every piece was flipped over & the edge pieces were separated. in the time it took us to get sufficiently frustrated with the similarity between the colors of the moons & the glyphs, we covered the same 4 topics about three times each; but in a moment of complete clarity, she looked at me with a spark in her eyes & wanted to know if she could ask me something really real.

"do you still smoke cigarettes?... do you ever want to? because i sure do. all of the sudden, after all these years i just have really had it on my mind."
i laughed & pinched her playfully.
"i don't smoke anymore, but i guess occasionally when i want to i do have one or two."
"oh yeah. when you're out with friends, having fun. that's ok." she assured me, obviously reminiscing.
when i asked her what got her craving them, she was certain it was the devil. she told me in a very animated way how she'd yell out to him in her empty house, "NO SIR! you're not going to get me today, you booger. i ain't smoking no cigarettes."

i sure do love her. i appreciate the candidness of her nature & how she's starting to swear again now that she's getting old. she loves the Lord as much as she used to love her liquor, & it's been nice getting a glimpse of the spitfire she used to be before religion calmed her down. it means a lot to be able to speak openly with someone of her generation. i decided i really should start filming the time we spend together because words just don't do her justice. it's like trying to replicate a Dali painting with crayola fingerpaints. i had to get this memory down before it faded, but i know i could write a thousand sentences about it & the depth could never be captured.

"guru found"

these two faces radiate so much love to me. although i have never met either, neem karoli baba (maharaj-ji) and ram dass have changed my life. i know them through photos, recorded lectures & stories, and of course through the oneness they have revealed to me.

earlier tonight i was sitting outside in the dark on my back porch enveloped by the sweet smell of freshly-mowed grass when the air warmed & it began to rain. as the light sprinkle fell around me, the heat rose from the patio and the familiar smell of damped concrete filled my nostrils. i breathed in deeply. the rhythmic hum of the meditation music vibrated inside my chest & scrolling through photos of baba ram dass, i couldn't help but smile & quietly chuckle. after a few minutes, the drizzle steadied & forced me indoors but DAMN, what a lovely experience.
it's been awhile since i felt i had the capacity to acheive these stolen moments of ISness... but today something changed. for the past few years, i've had love for my guru yet i had no connection to the teachings or higher truth. occasionally i fought it, seeking purpose & intimacy with the Source; mostly, i ignored it. this morning i was compelled to take a bath & listen to some old podcasts. it was like a light suddenly came back on, and yet there was no tangible excitement. there was simply peace.
i'm in no hurry, but i plan to devour each recording of my guru. for me, they're mind-blowing. you may not feel the same, but why not give it a listen to see if your awareness expands?

EPISODE 4: GURU FOUND

EPISODE 3: IN LIMBO IN INDIA

EPISODE 2: JOURNEY TO THE EAST

EPISODE 1: FIRST MEETING 

walking dogs; it is what you make it.

today i watched my (almost) ten year old son struggle with this concept & it made me see that this is a truth i've been fighting for most of my awakened life. well, maybe "struggle" isn't the right word... he didn't just question such a statement as much as he outright refused it. he tossed the wisdom aside angrily, arguing that it absolutely was NOT within his power to to see positivity in a world that is so utterly against him. *giggle*
the drama begins as we agree to take the dogs on a walk & he chooses to ride his bicycle even though there were some pretty treacherous winds blowing through our neighborhood. he becomes increasingly frustrated with the resistance, but maybe more so with the attention i'm paying to these dogs we're sitting for the week. "MOM! i can't ride in this weather! MOM!!" he rages, as i'm tripping on two overly-excited dogs while trying not to be blown away myself. did i mention these dogs suck at walking on a leash? needless to say, i'm pretty distracted. a huge gust rolls through & this exasperated little boy falls dramatically to the ground entangled in the metal frame of his bike. well, if you know jude, this ruined everything for him. the winds died down, but the damage was done. i tried my best to soothe him with this incredible idea that we are in charge of how we choose to respond to the stimuli around us. but nobody likes to hear that the obstacle they've just encountered could be an opportunity... even if spoken in the sweetest mom-voice imaginable.
if someone handed jude that proverbial glass, he'd definitely see it as half-empty, & you know what? that's perfectly fine. i have so much respect for the fact that he can't help but see the world the way he sees it & so much admiration for his inability to be anything other than 100% authentic in every situation. he's not here to sugar coat a single second of his experience & he's not afraid to let you know that. he's going to question every step of the journey & he doesn't give a shit about your inspirational quotes if he's unable to see the practical application.
i wish i were more like jude. instead i've spent my whole life balancing an inherent selfishness with the innate desire to also please everyone around me. what an act! i think the self-serving comes from fear of lacking something or not being provided for, while the people-pleasing is a product of feeling responsible for the sustenance of others. if i keep them happy, they can keep me feeling fulfilled, right?
i know i've sort of derailed from the original idea here, but i think there is connection to be found in all of this. in short, each day is what you make it. each moment is what you make it. you're ultimately in charge of whether that next mountain (or molehill) you encounter is an impossible obstacle or an awe-inspiring adventure. if i can make the choice to be thrilled instead of encumbered, i'll be scaling many more mountains much more quickly. & if i can trust that no matter how much i'm given, i can decide that it's enough.. i'll waste far less time attempting to hoard happiness. & lastly, if i can find it in myself to have faith in the capability of others to make these same choices then i won't end up carrying unnecessary weight in my travels.

eventually, jude came around. i know that i'm only planting seeds & that fruition will take time, but teaching him teaches me even more. through his eyes, i can see where my words aren't backed up by action & it encourages me to practice what i preach. tonight i am going to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another opportunity to enjoy the dance. i hope you can rest easy in that knowledge as well. 💖

back at it?

so i started this post almost a month ago................

*cue "depression-curing" root chakra balancing trance meditation music* (eye roll)

i'm tired, y'all.... weary, unmotivated, worn out, lethargic, drained, & fatigued.... all the time these days.

"exercise!" trust me, i hear you. but what does one do when they're too exhausted for physical activity? i got on the elliptical this morning yet i had zero ambition after only 5 minutes. not so long ago, i felt energized & like Wonder Woman after a work out; not so much anymore.
"caffeine!" well. coffee isn't doing much other than speeding my heart rate & giving me an anxious tick. it took 3 cups to clean the kitchen today.

maybe it's depression & my pharmaceuticals aren't doing their job. maybe i medicate myself more than i should. maybe i'm a lazy couch potato and always have been. my real fear is that the work i need to put in to pull myself out of this state is more than i'm willing to do. i mean, it legitimately IS right now. i can't get anything done. ("not with that attitude," you're right!)

divulging this information is scarier than i care to admit. yet, i'm compelled to be transparent & as honest as humanly possible. i know someone can relate & that's why i had to put this out there.

my current solution is to ride it out. ignore texts, binge netflix, re-read the same sentences in books 5-6 times yet still not retain anything, & SLEEP. hours upon hours of gloriously mind-numbing uninteresting and probably not restful, sleep.

................. & yesterday i woke up to this email. isn't that lovely?

guilt is such an omnipotent intruder in my life. i've come to realize just how many of my decisions are peppered with unrecognized self-reproach & honestly it's a pretty tough pill to swallow. still, it's forced me into action, & for that i'm grateful. i haven't yet worked out that "one step forward, two steps back" thing, or how to break up with the pervasive inconsistency that's been my lifelong companion, but at least the camera is rolling! i'm told the most effective way to make changes is to take it one day at a time, or maybe one minute at a time. it's much easier to get frustrated with or disappointed in ourselves & stop trying.... but it's in the unrelenting persistence that the magic happens. & sometimes that persistence is laying in bed for an extra hour or blowing off Friday in its entirety. my guru has taught me that there is action in the inaction, because it's all happening at the rate in which it CAN happen, but the guilt inside of me doesn't like to let me believe that. today i'm choosing to embrace the natural flow & make decisions that build me up instead of tear me down. maybe today could also be like that for you, or maybe not. whatever it is, don't fight it & certainly don't feel guilty that it isn't something that it's not.

have hope.

this morning, i did not weep. i did not gnash my teeth. i instead held a son too small to truly understand the impact of the election.. as HE wept.

my seven year old bounced into my bedroom at 7:30am, climbed into my bed, laid his head on my chest, and asked, "so, who won?" i told him, forthright & honestly. i held no disappointment in the tone of my voice, nor any emotion to speak of. his reply, "WHAT?" was followed by a river of tears. i squeezed him tightly, reminding him that it wasn't the end of the world, that disappointment is a natural human response to certain situations, but that ultimately everything was going to be ok.

the election is not something i have spoken to my son about in some time, other than perhaps a passing comment. earlier in the year i remember declaring that trump was a terrible person, and i can't speak for what his father or friends at school have said to him, but i want him to be at peace with the world around him.
i won't soon forget, however, the excitement in his voice yesterday evening when he asked, "mom, did you know that tomorrow a WOMAN could be the president of the united states for the FIRST TIME EVER?" that made me smile.

it still makes me smile that a woman was very nearly the president this election, and that a black man was elected for two terms. i still see progress there. change isn't something that can happen for a country, or even a person, all at once. it's often the one step forward, two steps back dance that propels us further on down the line.

i don't really believe in good or evil anymore. that may sound stupid, but my spiritual teacher reminds us that "when you know how to listen, everybody is the guru." sure, there are *bad* things happening all over the world, but i can see the necessity of all parts working together to form the whole. it's like the butterfly effect-- maybe you'd go back in time to change the outcome of this election if you could. but, what if you did, and in their excitement this morning one of your friends or parents or children crashed their car and died? maybe that's morbid, but it's the clearest way i know to explain how feverishly i believe that everything happens for a reason. life has as much purpose as you let it.


today, my friends, i am holding onto you tightly as you weep. my heart fills with empathy & compassion for the predicament of americans as individuals and as a nation. please do what you can to make peace for yourself and those surrounding you. let's not make this a darker time by spilling hate and negativity with our attitudes. find positivity and beauty in every small instance possible and remember above all else to BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE. we got this. <3

 

today, i am tired; i will drink more water.

each time i revisit this blog, it seems to have been nearly a year since my last post.
obviously, consistency isn't my strong suit. and you know what? THAT IS OK. i am wonderful & beautiful & extraordinarily well-loved.
i often get so frustrated with myself that a familiar wormhole of self-pity sends me spiraling into this untruth that i am a waste-- of space & talent & even breath. can you believe that? it hurts my heart to know how many of us feel this way on a regular basis. i would never treat a friend or even a stranger as though they didn't matter. i would never, ever say such nasty things to another human as i sometimes say to myself. but i cannot deny that these feelings have, each & EVERY time, inspired greatness to move & stir within this meager body. without the darkness, there would be no dawn... so to speak.


it is my intention to spend this entire week involving myself in intense self-care. i will spend much time in prayer, petitioning for guidance, & reconnecting with the deepest part of myself that i have let fall by the wayside as of late. i will take baths & go to bed early & hug myself. i will hold my child & allow amazement to wash over me as i remember how my body beget such a creation.




currently, i feel lost & at a loss-- in many aspects of my life. change/upheaval often sends my energies scattered. but in the end, i have always been able to harness my fairie dust mentalities once again & inevitably grow from the experience.
that being said, when i should've been burying myself further into my intuition & that place of magick within, i instead took a "break" to deal with the loss of a family friend & with the weight of the decisions i need to make about a few people's places in my life.
i am not sure why i do that.. why i drop my spiritual pursuits when i need them most.. but through the incredible sense of self awareness i have been gifted, it is certainly something i am coming to terms with. loving myself.. weaknesses & mistakes, included. it is, in fact, all of these parts of me that make up the beautiful soul i carry around in this vessel.

i aspire to let life flow through me, while also living purposefully. i want to be self-sufficient, while also hopefully maintaining a loving partnership. i have always felt like a paradox & believe i may be forever unstable. but i hope to no longer let that inherent instability dictate my self-view. it's tough not to hate myself for my escapist tendencies sometimes, but the key is in picking up all the pieces & continuing to move forward. everything is happening for a reason. every single millisecond. embrace it. resistance is futile!

looking into the mirror.

interpersonal relationships are not easy.
watching the ones you care for experience a multitude of pains and pleasures is no simple thing. witnessing the Ego of the ones you expend your precious heart chakra energy on can get us humans pretty ensnared sometimes.

if i have learned anything from my times of moving around & making new friends, it is that the only common denominator in any interpersonal equation that i have a semblance of control over is myself. i've never quite mastered form-fitting others into the molds i make, never known how to transplant my own experience into their unreadied consciousnesses. but sure enough, people will tear each other down in the process.
there is no way to prevent people from hurting you, or themselves.. especially if one or more of the parties involved *think* they're doing it out of love. thinking.. that's our first problem, isn't it?

my guru teaches us to be in a constant state of mantra. "OM MANI PADME HUM," over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over... & then some more. this is a mantra that invokes the embodiment of compassion. compassion for oneself & ones predicament.
i always thought it interesting that baba ram dass would refer to life as a 'predicament'... but the longer i try to live consciously, the more i realize the aptness of his terminology. we get stuck. it's inevitably built into our thinking minds, our reactionary bodies. instinct. free thought. chaos.

we can barely seem to maintain control over our own instinctive impulses, how do we expect to have control over others'? trust, i think, comes with believing enough in those we love to allow them to make their choices & live out their experience in their own unique way.
i truly do believe that every life path can be viewed as beautiful, if you know how to adjust your angle & manage your emotional vehicle.
getting too involved is where the messiness begins.
remember, mantra. BE. HERE. NOW. inside the vessel of your own being, connected to the Source. don't carry your inner peace out on your sleeve for everyone to fuck with. this doesn't mean you build a wall of resentment around it. it simply means you allow your thoughts to pass freely, while recognizing that you are not those thoughts. what you are is much bigger, much more significant. there's no urgency. time does not exist on the plane where our real self resides.
if you get caught up, forgive yourself. assimilate that experience & move to higher ground.

at the end of the day, the only one you're responsible for is you. everyone surrounding you is basically holding up a mirror, showing you secrets about yourself. after all, how you react to someone's stimuli has a lot more to say about where you are, not where that person is.
forgive relentlessly & live freely. don't bind your feet for fear of falling.
embrace every single moment & try to find ways to understand rather than ways to condemn. if you try to see the good in people, it's there.

fake it until you make it; this is something i do frequently. understand the ups & downs. fuck up. fix it. fuck up again. keep repeating patterns until you're propelled to the next page.
someone once told me they can't understand why i "have this tendency to preach how life is beautiful and then turn around and engage in self destructive habits after." well, the answer has more layers than an onion. just because i can see the beauty doesn't mean i'm not still only another flawed person. & sometimes we need the darkness to fathom the light. one cannot exist without the other. the tough things, the hardest moments, are the most fertile soil in which to grow. life is not a battle ground, it's a training ground.

trust yourself. not the unceasing voice in your head, but the part of you that existed before there was stardust. the part that is without attachment, without fear.


you are well-loved. take care.