have hope.

this morning, i did not weep. i did not gnash my teeth. i instead held a son too small to truly understand the impact of the election.. as HE wept.

my seven year old bounced into my bedroom at 7:30am, climbed into my bed, laid his head on my chest, and asked, "so, who won?" i told him, forthright & honestly. i held no disappointment in the tone of my voice, nor any emotion to speak of. his reply, "WHAT?" was followed by a river of tears. i squeezed him tightly, reminding him that it wasn't the end of the world, that disappointment is a natural human response to certain situations, but that ultimately everything was going to be ok.

the election is not something i have spoken to my son about in some time, other than perhaps a passing comment. earlier in the year i remember declaring that trump was a terrible person, and i can't speak for what his father or friends at school have said to him, but i want him to be at peace with the world around him.
i won't soon forget, however, the excitement in his voice yesterday evening when he asked, "mom, did you know that tomorrow a WOMAN could be the president of the united states for the FIRST TIME EVER?" that made me smile.

it still makes me smile that a woman was very nearly the president this election, and that a black man was elected for two terms. i still see progress there. change isn't something that can happen for a country, or even a person, all at once. it's often the one step forward, two steps back dance that propels us further on down the line.

i don't really believe in good or evil anymore. that may sound stupid, but my spiritual teacher reminds us that "when you know how to listen, everybody is the guru." sure, there are *bad* things happening all over the world, but i can see the necessity of all parts working together to form the whole. it's like the butterfly effect-- maybe you'd go back in time to change the outcome of this election if you could. but, what if you did, and in their excitement this morning one of your friends or parents or children crashed their car and died? maybe that's morbid, but it's the clearest way i know to explain how feverishly i believe that everything happens for a reason. life has as much purpose as you let it.


today, my friends, i am holding onto you tightly as you weep. my heart fills with empathy & compassion for the predicament of americans as individuals and as a nation. please do what you can to make peace for yourself and those surrounding you. let's not make this a darker time by spilling hate and negativity with our attitudes. find positivity and beauty in every small instance possible and remember above all else to BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE. we got this. <3

 

today, i am tired; i will drink more water.

each time i revisit this blog, it seems to have been nearly a year since my last post.
obviously, consistency isn't my strong suit. and you know what? THAT IS OK. i am wonderful & beautiful & extraordinarily well-loved.
i often get so frustrated with myself that a familiar wormhole of self-pity sends me spiraling into this untruth that i am a waste-- of space & talent & even breath. can you believe that? it hurts my heart to know how many of us feel this way on a regular basis. i would never treat a friend or even a stranger as though they didn't matter. i would never, ever say such nasty things to another human as i sometimes say to myself. but i cannot deny that these feelings have, each & EVERY time, inspired greatness to move & stir within this meager body. without the darkness, there would be no dawn... so to speak.


it is my intention to spend this entire week involving myself in intense self-care. i will spend much time in prayer, petitioning for guidance, & reconnecting with the deepest part of myself that i have let fall by the wayside as of late. i will take baths & go to bed early & hug myself. i will hold my child & allow amazement to wash over me as i remember how my body beget such a creation.




currently, i feel lost & at a loss-- in many aspects of my life. change/upheaval often sends my energies scattered. but in the end, i have always been able to harness my fairie dust mentalities once again & inevitably grow from the experience.
that being said, when i should've been burying myself further into my intuition & that place of magick within, i instead took a "break" to deal with the loss of a family friend & with the weight of the decisions i need to make about a few people's places in my life.
i am not sure why i do that.. why i drop my spiritual pursuits when i need them most.. but through the incredible sense of self awareness i have been gifted, it is certainly something i am coming to terms with. loving myself.. weaknesses & mistakes, included. it is, in fact, all of these parts of me that make up the beautiful soul i carry around in this vessel.

i aspire to let life flow through me, while also living purposefully. i want to be self-sufficient, while also hopefully maintaining a loving partnership. i have always felt like a paradox & believe i may be forever unstable. but i hope to no longer let that inherent instability dictate my self-view. it's tough not to hate myself for my escapist tendencies sometimes, but the key is in picking up all the pieces & continuing to move forward. everything is happening for a reason. every single millisecond. embrace it. resistance is futile!

looking into the mirror.

interpersonal relationships are not easy.
watching the ones you care for experience a multitude of pains and pleasures is no simple thing. witnessing the Ego of the ones you expend your precious heart chakra energy on can get us humans pretty ensnared sometimes.

if i have learned anything from my times of moving around & making new friends, it is that the only common denominator in any interpersonal equation that i have a semblance of control over is myself. i've never quite mastered form-fitting others into the molds i make, never known how to transplant my own experience into their unreadied consciousnesses. but sure enough, people will tear each other down in the process.
there is no way to prevent people from hurting you, or themselves.. especially if one or more of the parties involved *think* they're doing it out of love. thinking.. that's our first problem, isn't it?

my guru teaches us to be in a constant state of mantra. "OM MANI PADME HUM," over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over... & then some more. this is a mantra that invokes the embodiment of compassion. compassion for oneself & ones predicament.
i always thought it interesting that baba ram dass would refer to life as a 'predicament'... but the longer i try to live consciously, the more i realize the aptness of his terminology. we get stuck. it's inevitably built into our thinking minds, our reactionary bodies. instinct. free thought. chaos.

we can barely seem to maintain control over our own instinctive impulses, how do we expect to have control over others'? trust, i think, comes with believing enough in those we love to allow them to make their choices & live out their experience in their own unique way.
i truly do believe that every life path can be viewed as beautiful, if you know how to adjust your angle & manage your emotional vehicle.
getting too involved is where the messiness begins.
remember, mantra. BE. HERE. NOW. inside the vessel of your own being, connected to the Source. don't carry your inner peace out on your sleeve for everyone to fuck with. this doesn't mean you build a wall of resentment around it. it simply means you allow your thoughts to pass freely, while recognizing that you are not those thoughts. what you are is much bigger, much more significant. there's no urgency. time does not exist on the plane where our real self resides.
if you get caught up, forgive yourself. assimilate that experience & move to higher ground.

at the end of the day, the only one you're responsible for is you. everyone surrounding you is basically holding up a mirror, showing you secrets about yourself. after all, how you react to someone's stimuli has a lot more to say about where you are, not where that person is.
forgive relentlessly & live freely. don't bind your feet for fear of falling.
embrace every single moment & try to find ways to understand rather than ways to condemn. if you try to see the good in people, it's there.

fake it until you make it; this is something i do frequently. understand the ups & downs. fuck up. fix it. fuck up again. keep repeating patterns until you're propelled to the next page.
someone once told me they can't understand why i "have this tendency to preach how life is beautiful and then turn around and engage in self destructive habits after." well, the answer has more layers than an onion. just because i can see the beauty doesn't mean i'm not still only another flawed person. & sometimes we need the darkness to fathom the light. one cannot exist without the other. the tough things, the hardest moments, are the most fertile soil in which to grow. life is not a battle ground, it's a training ground.

trust yourself. not the unceasing voice in your head, but the part of you that existed before there was stardust. the part that is without attachment, without fear.


you are well-loved. take care.

meet my yogi-guru.

meet adriene.

this gorgeous little sprite was an *accidental* youtube find. when i felt compelled to finally begin a steady yoga practice & realized there is no way in hell i may ever feel comfy enough to go to an actual class, youtube seemed to be my next best option.
in the past two months my life has changed in ways i don't even yet understand. adriene has guided me, held my trembling hands, comforted my tender heart as tears spilled out of my eyes, and perhaps best of all.. made me giggle. a lot.
obviously, she can have no idea what an impact she's had on me, but isn't that the best way?

there are many verses of the Bible that i will never forget from my days spent in the church. matthew 6:3 is one of them & i believe in the tremendous power behind it: "when you give... do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." why? because accolades lead to ego entrapment. it's hard to be humble when everyone is kissing your ass, isn't it? so maybe one day i will do what i can to let her know of her impact on me... but, maybe not.

lately i have been feeling broken. i mean, sometimes the best way to rebuild is to break, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. when i woke this morning i had an urge to repeat this video:

unconditional love is a difficult thing. it's tough to have it for yourself, much less for others. i was drawn to this video initially because of the beauty of her form in the still frame above. i keep coming back for more because of the incredible feels i have while engaging in this 20 minute practice.
one of her many mantras is "your practice has your back." and it's true. i am learning to trust my mind by trusting my body.. to believe in my heart by believing in the rest of my muscles.. to have faith in my intuition by having faith in my progress.

her name is adriene. she is my newest guru. my hope is that she has something to offer to each of you, or at least points you in direction you need to go. namaste, y'all.

two-thousand&sixteen.

my hope is that this year, or "sweet sixteen" as a kindred calls it, began beautifully for all of you.


i don't know about you but i've lost a lot of luster this past year. looking back on my most-recent entry, i find disappointment & negativity creeping up inside. i feel as though i've forgotten my love language.
however, i must be diligent enough to remind myself that even in our less-than-loving moments, there is necessity & growth. life has a way of nurturing us even (& perhaps especially) when we feel most unloveable.

i ended twenty-fifteen facedown in humility on my yoga mat, next to my six year old son. witnessing his readiness to practice, and to pray, is where i wanted to close this chapter of our lives. the ball dropped, he went wild, & then we crept quietly upstairs in my mother's house to do our bedtime yoga sequence. as we closed our eyes, he held my face & thanked the Divine for all of our blessings.

i began twenty-sixteen in an equally enthralling manner. we laid in bed giggling about his wacky dreams & after cooking breakfast for my family, i went straight to the mat. of course he was more distracted than i & flitted off fairly quickly to entertain himself with the vestiges of unopened christmas toys, but surely there's some beauty in him watching his mother strengthen her body as well as her spirit. it's a soul-soothing thought.

my intention for this year (i don't believe in resolutions) is simply to be more purposeful. i want to live, to learn, to love.. less encumbered by my bad habits. i wish to build upon my independent spirit & spread goodness to the wide world.

we wish you all well on your journey & HAPPY NEW YEAR!