cigarettes.

this lovely little lady is my GG. she's called GG because she is far too fabulous to simply be "Granny." My childhood memories of her are always peppered with high heels, leopard print, gobs of makeup, & packs upon packs of cigarettes. as a kid, when i went to sleepover at her house, i don't even remember thinking a thing about the cigarettes burning in her ashtrays scattered throughout the house. i remember her grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream sundaes, trying on an assortment of her eye shadows and face creams, & talking about astrology.

she is so sassy. & she loves red lobster cheddar biscuits. she once even invited me to conspire with her to steal a margarita glass. she has always made me laugh & even before she found Jesus, she has loved me with an unconditional love reminiscent of a devout believer.

my GG is getting older. witnessing the process humbles me as much as experiencing it is humbling her-- & i am so incredibly grateful to be able to share the time we do. she may give it to me three or four times these days, but she still gifts her sage wisdom & funny anecdotes each time i see her.

the mind is a mystery. a couple of months ago, she looked at me with confusion & frustration, begging me to tell her what was happening with her head. "i'm so fuzzy!" she confessed, "and i just can't seem to keep things in my brain. WHY is this happening?" we both sighed & i squeezed her tightly, reminding her that her life has been so full & so busy that her synapses are just getting tired of firing all the time.... lots of pathways worn in that beautiful cerebral matrix & her neurons are having some trouble keeping up. i imagine living as much life as this woman has would make anybody's head spin. still, there is no sadness in either of us; there's only the desire to understand & share our experiences.

when we are together, we giggle a lot. i'm her "special girl," & she's mine. she writes the best love notes on cards for the holidays, even now. i can tell she always wants to make sure i know how loved i am, & honestly, i do. we share secrets & pinky promises. she is such a wonderful mirror. in her, i see not only so many of my own physical features but also the imprint her nature & nurture have left on my personality.

today, i went to visit her. i rang the bell & knocked loudly but eventually was resigned to getting out my spare key ring & letting myself in. typically, you'd never find her flat on her back in bed, but her knees have been hurting a lot lately. every single time i walk in the room, she exclaims about how beautiful i am, can i get her a bottle of whatever foundation i'm wearing, she loves my shoes, my eye makeup is wonderful on me, & WHERE IS MY LITTLE BOY? today was no different. she grinned so big i thought it would burst my heart.

i had brought her a gift. i suppose someone in the family (or maybe the nurses who come check on her every week) decided that puzzles would be good for her mind. well, it only seemed fitting that i buy her this fantastic zodiac puzzle i had found. i was already late to the baby shower i was en route to, but i stayed an extra 45 minutes to make sure every piece was flipped over & the edge pieces were separated. in the time it took us to get sufficiently frustrated with the similarity between the colors of the moons & the glyphs, we covered the same 4 topics about three times each; but in a moment of complete clarity, she looked at me with a spark in her eyes & wanted to know if she could ask me something really real.

"do you still smoke cigarettes?... do you ever want to? because i sure do. all of the sudden, after all these years i just have really had it on my mind."
i laughed & pinched her playfully.
"i don't smoke anymore, but i guess occasionally when i want to i do have one or two."
"oh yeah. when you're out with friends, having fun. that's ok." she assured me, obviously reminiscing.
when i asked her what got her craving them, she was certain it was the devil. she told me in a very animated way how she'd yell out to him in her empty house, "NO SIR! you're not going to get me today, you booger. i ain't smoking no cigarettes."

i sure do love her. i appreciate the candidness of her nature & how she's starting to swear again now that she's getting old. she loves the Lord as much as she used to love her liquor, & it's been nice getting a glimpse of the spitfire she used to be before religion calmed her down. it means a lot to be able to speak openly with someone of her generation. i decided i really should start filming the time we spend together because words just don't do her justice. it's like trying to replicate a Dali painting with crayola fingerpaints. i had to get this memory down before it faded, but i know i could write a thousand sentences about it & the depth could never be captured.

"guru found"

these two faces radiate so much love to me. although i have never met either, neem karoli baba (maharaj-ji) and ram dass have changed my life. i know them through photos, recorded lectures & stories, and of course through the oneness they have revealed to me.

earlier tonight i was sitting outside in the dark on my back porch enveloped by the sweet smell of freshly-mowed grass when the air warmed & it began to rain. as the light sprinkle fell around me, the heat rose from the patio and the familiar smell of damped concrete filled my nostrils. i breathed in deeply. the rhythmic hum of the meditation music vibrated inside my chest & scrolling through photos of baba ram dass, i couldn't help but smile & quietly chuckle. after a few minutes, the drizzle steadied & forced me indoors but DAMN, what a lovely experience.
it's been awhile since i felt i had the capacity to acheive these stolen moments of ISness... but today something changed. for the past few years, i've had love for my guru yet i had no connection to the teachings or higher truth. occasionally i fought it, seeking purpose & intimacy with the Source; mostly, i ignored it. this morning i was compelled to take a bath & listen to some old podcasts. it was like a light suddenly came back on, and yet there was no tangible excitement. there was simply peace.
i'm in no hurry, but i plan to devour each recording of my guru. for me, they're mind-blowing. you may not feel the same, but why not give it a listen to see if your awareness expands?

EPISODE 4: GURU FOUND

EPISODE 3: IN LIMBO IN INDIA

EPISODE 2: JOURNEY TO THE EAST

EPISODE 1: FIRST MEETING 

walking dogs; it is what you make it.

today i watched my (almost) ten year old son struggle with this concept & it made me see that this is a truth i've been fighting for most of my awakened life. well, maybe "struggle" isn't the right word... he didn't just question such a statement as much as he outright refused it. he tossed the wisdom aside angrily, arguing that it absolutely was NOT within his power to to see positivity in a world that is so utterly against him. *giggle*
the drama begins as we agree to take the dogs on a walk & he chooses to ride his bicycle even though there were some pretty treacherous winds blowing through our neighborhood. he becomes increasingly frustrated with the resistance, but maybe more so with the attention i'm paying to these dogs we're sitting for the week. "MOM! i can't ride in this weather! MOM!!" he rages, as i'm tripping on two overly-excited dogs while trying not to be blown away myself. did i mention these dogs suck at walking on a leash? needless to say, i'm pretty distracted. a huge gust rolls through & this exasperated little boy falls dramatically to the ground entangled in the metal frame of his bike. well, if you know jude, this ruined everything for him. the winds died down, but the damage was done. i tried my best to soothe him with this incredible idea that we are in charge of how we choose to respond to the stimuli around us. but nobody likes to hear that the obstacle they've just encountered could be an opportunity... even if spoken in the sweetest mom-voice imaginable.
if someone handed jude that proverbial glass, he'd definitely see it as half-empty, & you know what? that's perfectly fine. i have so much respect for the fact that he can't help but see the world the way he sees it & so much admiration for his inability to be anything other than 100% authentic in every situation. he's not here to sugar coat a single second of his experience & he's not afraid to let you know that. he's going to question every step of the journey & he doesn't give a shit about your inspirational quotes if he's unable to see the practical application.
i wish i were more like jude. instead i've spent my whole life balancing an inherent selfishness with the innate desire to also please everyone around me. what an act! i think the self-serving comes from fear of lacking something or not being provided for, while the people-pleasing is a product of feeling responsible for the sustenance of others. if i keep them happy, they can keep me feeling fulfilled, right?
i know i've sort of derailed from the original idea here, but i think there is connection to be found in all of this. in short, each day is what you make it. each moment is what you make it. you're ultimately in charge of whether that next mountain (or molehill) you encounter is an impossible obstacle or an awe-inspiring adventure. if i can make the choice to be thrilled instead of encumbered, i'll be scaling many more mountains much more quickly. & if i can trust that no matter how much i'm given, i can decide that it's enough.. i'll waste far less time attempting to hoard happiness. & lastly, if i can find it in myself to have faith in the capability of others to make these same choices then i won't end up carrying unnecessary weight in my travels.

eventually, jude came around. i know that i'm only planting seeds & that fruition will take time, but teaching him teaches me even more. through his eyes, i can see where my words aren't backed up by action & it encourages me to practice what i preach. tonight i am going to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another opportunity to enjoy the dance. i hope you can rest easy in that knowledge as well. 💖

back at it?

so i started this post almost a month ago................

*cue "depression-curing" root chakra balancing trance meditation music* (eye roll)

i'm tired, y'all.... weary, unmotivated, worn out, lethargic, drained, & fatigued.... all the time these days.

"exercise!" trust me, i hear you. but what does one do when they're too exhausted for physical activity? i got on the elliptical this morning yet i had zero ambition after only 5 minutes. not so long ago, i felt energized & like Wonder Woman after a work out; not so much anymore.
"caffeine!" well. coffee isn't doing much other than speeding my heart rate & giving me an anxious tick. it took 3 cups to clean the kitchen today.

maybe it's depression & my pharmaceuticals aren't doing their job. maybe i medicate myself more than i should. maybe i'm a lazy couch potato and always have been. my real fear is that the work i need to put in to pull myself out of this state is more than i'm willing to do. i mean, it legitimately IS right now. i can't get anything done. ("not with that attitude," you're right!)

divulging this information is scarier than i care to admit. yet, i'm compelled to be transparent & as honest as humanly possible. i know someone can relate & that's why i had to put this out there.

my current solution is to ride it out. ignore texts, binge netflix, re-read the same sentences in books 5-6 times yet still not retain anything, & SLEEP. hours upon hours of gloriously mind-numbing uninteresting and probably not restful, sleep.

................. & yesterday i woke up to this email. isn't that lovely?

guilt is such an omnipotent intruder in my life. i've come to realize just how many of my decisions are peppered with unrecognized self-reproach & honestly it's a pretty tough pill to swallow. still, it's forced me into action, & for that i'm grateful. i haven't yet worked out that "one step forward, two steps back" thing, or how to break up with the pervasive inconsistency that's been my lifelong companion, but at least the camera is rolling! i'm told the most effective way to make changes is to take it one day at a time, or maybe one minute at a time. it's much easier to get frustrated with or disappointed in ourselves & stop trying.... but it's in the unrelenting persistence that the magic happens. & sometimes that persistence is laying in bed for an extra hour or blowing off Friday in its entirety. my guru has taught me that there is action in the inaction, because it's all happening at the rate in which it CAN happen, but the guilt inside of me doesn't like to let me believe that. today i'm choosing to embrace the natural flow & make decisions that build me up instead of tear me down. maybe today could also be like that for you, or maybe not. whatever it is, don't fight it & certainly don't feel guilty that it isn't something that it's not.