cigarettes.

this lovely little lady is my GG. she's called GG because she is far too fabulous to simply be "Granny." My childhood memories of her are always peppered with high heels, leopard print, gobs of makeup, & packs upon packs of cigarettes. as a kid, when i went to sleepover at her house, i don't even remember thinking a thing about the cigarettes burning in her ashtrays scattered throughout the house. i remember her grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream sundaes, trying on an assortment of her eye shadows and face creams, & talking about astrology.

she is so sassy. & she loves red lobster cheddar biscuits. she once even invited me to conspire with her to steal a margarita glass. she has always made me laugh & even before she found Jesus, she has loved me with an unconditional love reminiscent of a devout believer.

my GG is getting older. witnessing the process humbles me as much as experiencing it is humbling her-- & i am so incredibly grateful to be able to share the time we do. she may give it to me three or four times these days, but she still gifts her sage wisdom & funny anecdotes each time i see her.

the mind is a mystery. a couple of months ago, she looked at me with confusion & frustration, begging me to tell her what was happening with her head. "i'm so fuzzy!" she confessed, "and i just can't seem to keep things in my brain. WHY is this happening?" we both sighed & i squeezed her tightly, reminding her that her life has been so full & so busy that her synapses are just getting tired of firing all the time.... lots of pathways worn in that beautiful cerebral matrix & her neurons are having some trouble keeping up. i imagine living as much life as this woman has would make anybody's head spin. still, there is no sadness in either of us; there's only the desire to understand & share our experiences.

when we are together, we giggle a lot. i'm her "special girl," & she's mine. she writes the best love notes on cards for the holidays, even now. i can tell she always wants to make sure i know how loved i am, & honestly, i do. we share secrets & pinky promises. she is such a wonderful mirror. in her, i see not only so many of my own physical features but also the imprint her nature & nurture have left on my personality.

today, i went to visit her. i rang the bell & knocked loudly but eventually was resigned to getting out my spare key ring & letting myself in. typically, you'd never find her flat on her back in bed, but her knees have been hurting a lot lately. every single time i walk in the room, she exclaims about how beautiful i am, can i get her a bottle of whatever foundation i'm wearing, she loves my shoes, my eye makeup is wonderful on me, & WHERE IS MY LITTLE BOY? today was no different. she grinned so big i thought it would burst my heart.

i had brought her a gift. i suppose someone in the family (or maybe the nurses who come check on her every week) decided that puzzles would be good for her mind. well, it only seemed fitting that i buy her this fantastic zodiac puzzle i had found. i was already late to the baby shower i was en route to, but i stayed an extra 45 minutes to make sure every piece was flipped over & the edge pieces were separated. in the time it took us to get sufficiently frustrated with the similarity between the colors of the moons & the glyphs, we covered the same 4 topics about three times each; but in a moment of complete clarity, she looked at me with a spark in her eyes & wanted to know if she could ask me something really real.

"do you still smoke cigarettes?... do you ever want to? because i sure do. all of the sudden, after all these years i just have really had it on my mind."
i laughed & pinched her playfully.
"i don't smoke anymore, but i guess occasionally when i want to i do have one or two."
"oh yeah. when you're out with friends, having fun. that's ok." she assured me, obviously reminiscing.
when i asked her what got her craving them, she was certain it was the devil. she told me in a very animated way how she'd yell out to him in her empty house, "NO SIR! you're not going to get me today, you booger. i ain't smoking no cigarettes."

i sure do love her. i appreciate the candidness of her nature & how she's starting to swear again now that she's getting old. she loves the Lord as much as she used to love her liquor, & it's been nice getting a glimpse of the spitfire she used to be before religion calmed her down. it means a lot to be able to speak openly with someone of her generation. i decided i really should start filming the time we spend together because words just don't do her justice. it's like trying to replicate a Dali painting with crayola fingerpaints. i had to get this memory down before it faded, but i know i could write a thousand sentences about it & the depth could never be captured.