have hope.

this morning, i did not weep. i did not gnash my teeth. i instead held a son too small to truly understand the impact of the election.. as HE wept.

my seven year old bounced into my bedroom at 7:30am, climbed into my bed, laid his head on my chest, and asked, "so, who won?" i told him, forthright & honestly. i held no disappointment in the tone of my voice, nor any emotion to speak of. his reply, "WHAT?" was followed by a river of tears. i squeezed him tightly, reminding him that it wasn't the end of the world, that disappointment is a natural human response to certain situations, but that ultimately everything was going to be ok.

the election is not something i have spoken to my son about in some time, other than perhaps a passing comment. earlier in the year i remember declaring that trump was a terrible person, and i can't speak for what his father or friends at school have said to him, but i want him to be at peace with the world around him.
i won't soon forget, however, the excitement in his voice yesterday evening when he asked, "mom, did you know that tomorrow a WOMAN could be the president of the united states for the FIRST TIME EVER?" that made me smile.

it still makes me smile that a woman was very nearly the president this election, and that a black man was elected for two terms. i still see progress there. change isn't something that can happen for a country, or even a person, all at once. it's often the one step forward, two steps back dance that propels us further on down the line.

i don't really believe in good or evil anymore. that may sound stupid, but my spiritual teacher reminds us that "when you know how to listen, everybody is the guru." sure, there are *bad* things happening all over the world, but i can see the necessity of all parts working together to form the whole. it's like the butterfly effect-- maybe you'd go back in time to change the outcome of this election if you could. but, what if you did, and in their excitement this morning one of your friends or parents or children crashed their car and died? maybe that's morbid, but it's the clearest way i know to explain how feverishly i believe that everything happens for a reason. life has as much purpose as you let it.


today, my friends, i am holding onto you tightly as you weep. my heart fills with empathy & compassion for the predicament of americans as individuals and as a nation. please do what you can to make peace for yourself and those surrounding you. let's not make this a darker time by spilling hate and negativity with our attitudes. find positivity and beauty in every small instance possible and remember above all else to BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE. we got this. <3

 

today, i am tired; i will drink more water.

each time i revisit this blog, it seems to have been nearly a year since my last post.
obviously, consistency isn't my strong suit. and you know what? THAT IS OK. i am wonderful & beautiful & extraordinarily well-loved.
i often get so frustrated with myself that a familiar wormhole of self-pity sends me spiraling into this untruth that i am a waste-- of space & talent & even breath. can you believe that? it hurts my heart to know how many of us feel this way on a regular basis. i would never treat a friend or even a stranger as though they didn't matter. i would never, ever say such nasty things to another human as i sometimes say to myself. but i cannot deny that these feelings have, each & EVERY time, inspired greatness to move & stir within this meager body. without the darkness, there would be no dawn... so to speak.


it is my intention to spend this entire week involving myself in intense self-care. i will spend much time in prayer, petitioning for guidance, & reconnecting with the deepest part of myself that i have let fall by the wayside as of late. i will take baths & go to bed early & hug myself. i will hold my child & allow amazement to wash over me as i remember how my body beget such a creation.




currently, i feel lost & at a loss-- in many aspects of my life. change/upheaval often sends my energies scattered. but in the end, i have always been able to harness my fairie dust mentalities once again & inevitably grow from the experience.
that being said, when i should've been burying myself further into my intuition & that place of magick within, i instead took a "break" to deal with the loss of a family friend & with the weight of the decisions i need to make about a few people's places in my life.
i am not sure why i do that.. why i drop my spiritual pursuits when i need them most.. but through the incredible sense of self awareness i have been gifted, it is certainly something i am coming to terms with. loving myself.. weaknesses & mistakes, included. it is, in fact, all of these parts of me that make up the beautiful soul i carry around in this vessel.

i aspire to let life flow through me, while also living purposefully. i want to be self-sufficient, while also hopefully maintaining a loving partnership. i have always felt like a paradox & believe i may be forever unstable. but i hope to no longer let that inherent instability dictate my self-view. it's tough not to hate myself for my escapist tendencies sometimes, but the key is in picking up all the pieces & continuing to move forward. everything is happening for a reason. every single millisecond. embrace it. resistance is futile!