a gentle reminder.

rest easy knowing your soul chose the lessons you face in this life before it was born again. it hand-picked the people, places, & experiences available to you because it knew better than anyone what you are capable of handling & what would motivate you to learn.

from now on, when the proverbial shit hits the fan, i will meditate on this mantra. i will grab onto this wisdom with trembling fingers & hold tight until i can smile again.


i am figuring out that life doesn't have to be a big, dramatic power struggle. you can let things happen. you can let people be who they are. none of it has to influence you if you don't choose to allow it. you also don't have to push it away. when you are simply being, having removed your veil, it can easily flow through you without disturbance.
now, this lack of disturbance can be quite disturbing to someone trapped in their Ego, someone who can't get out from behind their veil. your cool calmness will send some people into rage or bring others to tears.. but you can't worry about that. be passive. it's not that you're heartless. you can explain that you care, that what you're doing is out of love, but still they may not be able to hear it from the place they're at.. so you've just got to let them happen at the rate they're happening & merely continue to work on yourself. that's all you can do.
we've heard it a million ways-- "you don't learn until you make your own mistakes" & "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." basically, what these kinds of statements boil down to is that nothing we are going to say has the power to truly change another person unless they themselves desire the change we're advocating. they have to be open. they have to be ready. they have to be in a position where they can hear. they have to manifest it for themselves. 

it's certainly difficult to watch others wallow (it is just as painful to watch your own self wallow!!), but if you remember that they(you) can't/shouldn't be anywhere other than where they(you) are at any given moment, then you can passively allow them(yourself) to have their(your) own experiences at their(your) own rate. so, go easy on yourself. go even easier on others.


we are all here experiencing a series of small dramas that make up a larger, collective drama.

the moments when i can passively observe my infiniteness are just as pertinent as the moments when i'm actively struggling against my very existence. no matter what my state of mind, it is perfect. i am exactly where i am supposed to be, thinking exactly what i should be thinking. so now i encourage myself to continue, knowing that everything is conspiring in my favor and for my benefit. i want to reach the place where everything i do is out of love. i will. 

humility.

a message of inspiration from a wonderful friend of mine. 

we should all encourage one another so fiercely. thank you, dear friend.

learning to live alone.

being alone & feeling alone can be two very different things. or they can be one and the same. isolation is a state of mentality as much as it is a state of physical being. 

it's so easy to feel alone in a crowded room sometimes, isn't it? 

i spoke tearfully with a friend over the summer about my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy & loneliness. he said that it's time for me to level up. what i understood from his encouraging words was that i need to learn to be alone & stop drowning out myself with perpetual companionship. maybe that's not what he meant.. but either way, i received the seed then that is now growing full-bloom into a valuable lesson.

my fear for the longest time has been that i am not enough. that i am not a capable enough person to provide for myself or my child emotionally, financially, or spiritually. that i cannot love myself-- i can't give myself the warm&fuzzies, can't console myself when i'm sad, calm myself when i'm angry, be proud of myself when i feel accomplished, can't encourage myself to be everything i secretly long to be. that i need a constant companion, be it friend or lover. 

well, frankly, i have been lying to myself. as i come to terms with this great truth, i breathe easier. my burden is lighter. i am free to just be here in the now. i no longer imagine some future where my family is completed by a third party. i trust my instincts & listen to my inner voice. and, what's more, I LOVE MYSELF. 

until now, i couldn't stand to be by myself because i didn't even like myself. i didn't like myself because i didn't know myself. and i didn't know myself because i never took the time to hang out with myself. 

i have been spending the last few weeks reacquainting with the wonderfully self-confident, quirky, bubbly, adventure-seeking girl that has been so deeply buried inside by a fear of growing old alone. i go home after work & cook dinner for myself. if there are leftovers, i give them to friends and neighbors instead of feeling sad & convincing myself that i don't have someone to share my meal with. i live alone but no longer allow myself to feel that this is a misfortune or a punishment; i can play any music i like & forget about the sink filled with dishes without making anyone else responsibile. i watch funny movies & laugh with myself.  yesterday, i bought my first xmas tree. my son & i have plans tonight to decorate it while we bake gingerbread men and i don't feel empty knowing it will just be jude & me hanging ornaments. i feel liberated. i feel full to the point of overflowing in my heart chakra.  

now i rest easy knowing that i don't need some "soul mate" on this journey. all i need is me. i am more than enough, & always will be. i hope you all know that the same is true for you. complete yourself before you start running around looking for someone or something else to complete you. joy comes from within. no multitude of friendly faces, no amount of money, no destination on the planet is going to make you feel as whole & as fulfilled as you can make yourself. <3

expand & explore.

i feel lost, too. quite a lot. for all of the cheerfulness & light i try and project outwardly, i am afraid & sometimes feel totally alone. 

but these feelings are simply part of the drama, the greatest play ever staged. as much as the physical world is a grand illusion, our emotions are even more so. 

i read about a meditation practice known as "tonglen" in Tibet. basically, it is the art of letting go & receiving. you sit and simply breathe in all the "bad" while breathing out all the "good." in doing this, you are defying your Ego's desire to cling to what makes you feel happy and expel what makes you feel unhappy. 

this meditation interested me because happiness is not my goal-- joy is. joy is a state of mind whereby you are able to appreciate each fleeting emotion from a place of true peace & stillness. this week, i have been trying to practice that with every breath. i want to cultivate a pervasive awareness with each breath i take.. and i want to take each breath consciously. 

the love i give has never come from inside of me, though for way too long i have allowed myself the limitation of believing that is the case. i am the universe. i am the divine. i am the stars. i am the earth. i am you. i am the past, present, & future.. because time is only relative. i will continue to be Love long after my body becomes soil & i have been Love since the conception of existence. let's remember this together & act accordingly, soul-lovers. set yourself on fire & watch the whole world burn. 

"getting lost is not a waste of time," sometimes it is the only wake up call you are able to hear. if you can't see the forest for the trees, change your vantage point. 

namaste. 

<3

mindfulness & meditation.

wide-eyed weekending.

 

music can be so profound. 

of course witnessing a passion manifest in someone is always incredible, no matter what their passion may be.. but there's something to be said for those who can fill silence with a nonverbal communication that has the capacity to unite human beings on many levels. music penetrates to the very core. it affects us on a soul level. our being, and everything on earth, vibrates & resonates like a note played on a guitar. 

this weekend made me thankful for the uniqueness of all vibrations. watching musicians creatively exchange these vibes is especially beautiful. 

i was reminded that each person i come into contact with is vibrating at a frequency that is tangible only through a sixth sense, or perhaps the third eye. sometimes we vibrate in harmony, sometimes we don't. 

the lesson for me in this is simple: how i choose to treat this harmony or lack thereof is ultimately my responsibility. i think that respect is paramount. respect for individuality. respect for differences. respect for the necessity of yin & yang. 

all people are beautiful, and necessary. i want to make sure i treat them that way. after all, we are everyone else. we are all the same, atoms forming illusions that our brains help us see. realizing that has felt like a huge breakthrough for me. 

i tried to meet people with open arms & do more listening than talking this weekend. i was greeted with much love & positivity by everyone whose path i crossed. louisville has some excellent vibes. i will be excited to explore it more. i can feel the universe at work making connections & continuing to stimulate my soul.. so many thought-provoking conversations about spirituality lately, as well as opportunities to practice letting go & simply watching my drama unfold from a place of separate awareness. the happy feeling in my gut is overwhelming. i intend to share it.