being alone & feeling alone can be two very different things. or they can be one and the same. isolation is a state of mentality as much as it is a state of physical being.
it's so easy to feel alone in a crowded room sometimes, isn't it?
i spoke tearfully with a friend over the summer about my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy & loneliness. he said that it's time for me to level up. what i understood from his encouraging words was that i need to learn to be alone & stop drowning out myself with perpetual companionship. maybe that's not what he meant.. but either way, i received the seed then that is now growing full-bloom into a valuable lesson.
my fear for the longest time has been that i am not enough. that i am not a capable enough person to provide for myself or my child emotionally, financially, or spiritually. that i cannot love myself-- i can't give myself the warm&fuzzies, can't console myself when i'm sad, calm myself when i'm angry, be proud of myself when i feel accomplished, can't encourage myself to be everything i secretly long to be. that i need a constant companion, be it friend or lover.
well, frankly, i have been lying to myself. as i come to terms with this great truth, i breathe easier. my burden is lighter. i am free to just be here in the now. i no longer imagine some future where my family is completed by a third party. i trust my instincts & listen to my inner voice. and, what's more, I LOVE MYSELF.
until now, i couldn't stand to be by myself because i didn't even like myself. i didn't like myself because i didn't know myself. and i didn't know myself because i never took the time to hang out with myself.
i have been spending the last few weeks reacquainting with the wonderfully self-confident, quirky, bubbly, adventure-seeking girl that has been so deeply buried inside by a fear of growing old alone. i go home after work & cook dinner for myself. if there are leftovers, i give them to friends and neighbors instead of feeling sad & convincing myself that i don't have someone to share my meal with. i live alone but no longer allow myself to feel that this is a misfortune or a punishment; i can play any music i like & forget about the sink filled with dishes without making anyone else responsibile. i watch funny movies & laugh with myself. yesterday, i bought my first xmas tree. my son & i have plans tonight to decorate it while we bake gingerbread men and i don't feel empty knowing it will just be jude & me hanging ornaments. i feel liberated. i feel full to the point of overflowing in my heart chakra.
now i rest easy knowing that i don't need some "soul mate" on this journey. all i need is me. i am more than enough, & always will be. i hope you all know that the same is true for you. complete yourself before you start running around looking for someone or something else to complete you. joy comes from within. no multitude of friendly faces, no amount of money, no destination on the planet is going to make you feel as whole & as fulfilled as you can make yourself. <3
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