pain.

what exactly is pain?
to me, it is waking up breathless & doubled-over with fear & doubt. it is that hollowed-out feeling in your solar plexus, that bleeding feeling in your heart, that ache in your throat that often leads to tears. it is what you experience when your attachment has caused you to perceive loss of some kind. although the perception of "loss" is part of the illusion, the portion of our being that exists on this physical plane cannot help but feel so connected to the pain & pleasure these Ego-bodies experience. while my first instinct is to fight tooth & nail with the pain while gluttonously stockpiling the pleasure, i have found this is not the way (for me). instead, i am attempting to operate from a place of higher wisdom. from this place, i can dance feverishly while the tears fall & hold loosely the happy moments without suffocating the life out of them.
the reality of impermanence is something i have faced my entire life. it is a lesson that pervades my every experience. i have lived in four states and over fifteen homes. i got exceptionally great at making new friends & losing old ones. besides this, i have been through a divorce and birthed a child (& now know what it is to have my heart forever go walking around outside of my body). who hasn't experienced these things, or at least similar things? likely no one. on a biological level, we all experience impermanence with every passing moment. our cells are dying & regenerating. we are getting older every day; we are changing in appearance and mindset. one thing is for certain-- life is always changing. but yet this impermanence is such a source of discontent for us as human beings. even though it's happening every single second!

to find peace within such discord is what i am seeking.

one morning recently, i woke from a terrible dream. in this dream i lost someone who's become very important to me-- someone i often cling to & hoard. i raged against the sad feeling, i buried myself deep in the blankets, & felt hopeless.
all because of a dream? yes, & also because the dream reminded me how much i fear reality & loss of control.

in response to this, i think my guru would smile knowingly & advise me to recognize my recurring lesson. he would say, "keep working on yourself. it's all you can do. you have no control over anyone other than you. keep doing mantra & strengthening that place where your witness resides. don't be in a hurry to learn, time is relative. play your part in the drama but understand that this is only an illusion."


here's to our many human moments when the illusion seems so real that it becomes insurmountable. let's remember that we can always take our power back. this ability lies within our here&now-ness, in our remembering our godliness & our connectedness with all things. you're more resilient than you think!