*cue "depression-curing" root chakra balancing trance meditation music* (eye roll)
i'm tired, y'all.... weary, unmotivated, worn out, lethargic, drained, & fatigued.... all the time these days.
"exercise!" trust me, i hear you. but what does one do when they're too exhausted for physical activity? i got on the elliptical this morning yet i had zero ambition after only 5 minutes. not so long ago, i felt energized & like Wonder Woman after a work out; not so much anymore.
"caffeine!" well. coffee isn't doing much other than speeding my heart rate & giving me an anxious tick. it took 3 cups to clean the kitchen today.
maybe it's depression & my pharmaceuticals aren't doing their job. maybe i medicate myself more than i should. maybe i'm a lazy couch potato and always have been. my real fear is that the work i need to put in to pull myself out of this state is more than i'm willing to do. i mean, it legitimately IS right now. i can't get anything done. ("not with that attitude," you're right!)
divulging this information is scarier than i care to admit. yet, i'm compelled to be transparent & as honest as humanly possible. i know someone can relate & that's why i had to put this out there.
my current solution is to ride it out. ignore texts, binge netflix, re-read the same sentences in books 5-6 times yet still not retain anything, & SLEEP. hours upon hours of gloriously mind-numbing uninteresting and probably not restful, sleep.
................. & yesterday i woke up to this email. isn't that lovely?
guilt is such an omnipotent intruder in my life. i've come to realize just how many of my decisions are peppered with unrecognized self-reproach & honestly it's a pretty tough pill to swallow. still, it's forced me into action, & for that i'm grateful. i haven't yet worked out that "one step forward, two steps back" thing, or how to break up with the pervasive inconsistency that's been my lifelong companion, but at least the camera is rolling! i'm told the most effective way to make changes is to take it one day at a time, or maybe one minute at a time. it's much easier to get frustrated with or disappointed in ourselves & stop trying.... but it's in the unrelenting persistence that the magic happens. & sometimes that persistence is laying in bed for an extra hour or blowing off Friday in its entirety. my guru has taught me that there is action in the inaction, because it's all happening at the rate in which it CAN happen, but the guilt inside of me doesn't like to let me believe that. today i'm choosing to embrace the natural flow & make decisions that build me up instead of tear me down. maybe today could also be like that for you, or maybe not. whatever it is, don't fight it & certainly don't feel guilty that it isn't something that it's not.
guilt is such an omnipotent intruder in my life. i've come to realize just how many of my decisions are peppered with unrecognized self-reproach & honestly it's a pretty tough pill to swallow. still, it's forced me into action, & for that i'm grateful. i haven't yet worked out that "one step forward, two steps back" thing, or how to break up with the pervasive inconsistency that's been my lifelong companion, but at least the camera is rolling! i'm told the most effective way to make changes is to take it one day at a time, or maybe one minute at a time. it's much easier to get frustrated with or disappointed in ourselves & stop trying.... but it's in the unrelenting persistence that the magic happens. & sometimes that persistence is laying in bed for an extra hour or blowing off Friday in its entirety. my guru has taught me that there is action in the inaction, because it's all happening at the rate in which it CAN happen, but the guilt inside of me doesn't like to let me believe that. today i'm choosing to embrace the natural flow & make decisions that build me up instead of tear me down. maybe today could also be like that for you, or maybe not. whatever it is, don't fight it & certainly don't feel guilty that it isn't something that it's not.
Found your blog somehow and wanted to say thank you for sharing this almost a month ago. You could substitute my name and person in this and almost the whole thing would never skip a beat. I can relate for sure. Keep fighting the good fight :)
ReplyDeletehey, this truly means a lot. i think that knowing whatever is happening in my life is relatable is so helpful in not getting trapped. if you've got a blog i can follow, please leave a link!
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